Courage in Grief at the Holidays

Today in Courage in Grief at the Holidays:  Remembering that “No, thanks” is a complete sentence.  The holidays are often filled with gatherings of family and friends and hustle and bustle.  If you feel you want to go, great, go!  However, if you are feeling like being social is not in your current wheelhouse, that is ok too.  This is particularly true if you are in that first year of loss and grief.  We are all different, our grief is different, our needs are different, and we are different social creatures.  All of that to say, you do you (I know I say that a lot, but it is the greatest freedom to just do you!!).  You know yourself  and you know your needs best.  

I remember the first Christmas without Greg, I was just going through the motions with help from those closest around me.  I did do the gatherings, and to be honest it’s all a bit blurry right now, but I am fairly certain I did not stay as long as I would have in my old life.  There are pictures of me attempting to look celebratory, so I know I was there, but the actual moments are very foggy.  The routine of the Christmas season was important to my kids in honoring their dad, so I did my best to do the things that mattered most to them.  I reluctantly put the tree up, made the cookies, sent the cards, and wrapped the gifts. All the while, I remember just wanting to crawl back into bed and hibernate until it was all over. 

 I did, however, suggest that we go away for Christmas Day.  We did not go far, just to a familiar and homey ski town about an hour and a half away, but the change of location was something important to me that first year. I was so sure a new location would mute the grief.  Turns out, while the change in Christmas Day venue was ok, the grief followed us there, darn it.  The kids and I made the best of it, we laughed a bit, cried a bit and did our best to be there for each other.  By the time we got home a couple of days later the forced hustle and bustle of the season caught up to me and  I had come down with COVID that laid me up for several days.  In hindsight, I can see that I had pushed myself to do too much, to try to push the grief away in the name of the holiday.  Well, guess what? The grief was patient and simply waited for me to slow down enough to catch up with me.  And so it goes with grief…we can’t out run it, we can’t out holiday it, we can’t deny it because it WILL find us one way or another.  So go easy on yourself.  The day will be whatever the day will be. 

I would love to say I have perfected this grief at the holiday bit, but, alas, I also am a work in progress.  While I am definitely more comfortable with saying “no, thanks” to what I don’t feel up to and I have more energy to do the celebratory rituals, I still seem to find a way to get sick at some point in the holiday season.  The body does keep the score. What I am getting better at is recognizing and understanding that this period of being sick is my body telling me it’s time to slow down, time to sit with what is, and time to heal a bit, physically, mentally and spiritually. Time to say, “No, thanks” and take care of me.  You are worth it.  Just Breathe. ❤️😇