It’s All Just A Little Bit Different Now
You may have noticed (or not, lol) that I have been away from this blog for a bit. Writing about my grief can be like that…one moment I am full of words and feelings to share and then at other times I am filled with feelings but can not put the words together to express them. Strange to say that out loud, as I have always loved writing and harbor a deep desire to create a book someday(it’s a process in and of itself, but in the works). So words, feelings and writing are all important parts of me; yet, I went through a period recently where I could not put them all together. It was a “season”. What I am learning on this journey is that summer feels a little different now than it used to when Greg was in this world. Those first couple of summers were filled with uncertainty, sadness, and, if I am being honest, a lot of anxious grief; and now I would say summer this year was just different. Today, I seem to have the words to share…
Summer has always been my favorite season. As an educator working hard from late August to June, I embraced the freedom to relax a bit in the months of July and August. I also am a creature of the sun. I love the warm days and getting out of the house on walks and bike rides continues to be a balm to my thinking mind. Summer was traditionally a time of celebration for Greg and me. Father’s Day, our Anniversary, his birthday, and my birthday all fall within this time frame. So much joy, love, travel and, again, a sense of freedom to just be together. I still find ways to celebrate and honor those important days, it just looks and feels different now. Greg’s health journey and subsequent death have altered my sense of what freedom looks and feels like in those summer months.
Summer holds memories, both good and not so good. Now the memories arise of our time spent living in Cleveland and all that he went through at the Cleveland clinic from mid July through September. As time passes, it all softens for sure and the memories do not have the painful grip on me that they did in the first and second year. The grip looks and feels different now. I am able to embrace the memories with more gratitude than pain, more love than dread. How did my grief show up this year as I navigated those summer months and the anniversary of his death? I think part of it was the shut down of sharing my thoughts and feelings with the world outside. I journaled; I just didn’t share as much. The words were hard to find some days. My brain fog returned a bit, but I could name it and understood it as grief. Unexpected days of deep grief and yearning were still present, but less daunting and more familiar. I traveled both by myself and with friends to places I had not been with Greg. I certainly felt Greg’s presence in these travels, but it’s all a little different now. This time became a season simply between Greg and me and ultimately between me and me. To honor what was and embrace what is in a new and different way. And maybe that is what my grief looks like in summer now, between just him and me and building in new moments between me and me. He is routing me onward in the new adventures and holding me close when the memories of what was arise. Hard to say what next summer will bring, as the journey and I keep evolving. Summer will continue to hold a special place in my heart and the freedom is still there, it just looks and feels a little different now.
As for September 2nd, the anniversary of Greg’s passing, it just felt different this year as well. I am aware now that I feel my feelings about special dates a few days ahead of it all; the anticipation is what gets me. I try not to fight the feelings anymore; giving in to and embracing the sadness and grief has allowed me to honor our life together; that will always feel important to me. This shedding of tears and feelings process also has proven, for me, to be a release and what I need to continue to move forward one step at a time. And, so it goes…
Fall is here and I feel as though I now have “re-emerged” out of that season and now fully entrenched in leave-watching, apple-picking, pumpkin carving mode. I am feeling energized and fully present again (most days, lol). I believe I will always be keenly aware of the loss and grief, yet feeling lighter for having given grief the attention it demanded of me at different times this summer. Leaning in to gratitude for the love we shared. It’s all just a little different now❤️😇.
